My 2018 ended on a sad note so I walked into 2019 already over it.
Struggled to regulate my emotions and remember to eat every day.
Overall thought too much.
Developed what later became high functioning anxiety and depression.
I took a break from work then tried to work through it.
Wanted to find the person I was before my mom’s sickness ate at our family.
Before her passing crippled everyone she left behind.
It worked for a while but never consistently.
The way I valued my interactions with people had shifted completely.
My safety net of a job was now
toxic but I still found myself deliberating.
I didn’t want to meet new people.
Have a bad day and have to explain to my new boss why.
It never gets easier to say.
Why leave when I was around people who needed no explanation?
Thought of some escape plans.
ALL very risky.
Can’t count on my mom if I mess this up.
So, I conversed with God and told him I knew there was more.
More than pep talks to get yourself through the door.
Pep talks to stay.
Pep talks to come back.
But the next day, I walked in to work.
I thought God was going to shift my perspective.
Help me find the good in what I considered my security.
Clearly by the title, that didn’t happen right.
Typed up my notice.
But it was a professional exit nonetheless.
Relief came (about 3 days later).
I remember the day I began to breathe differently.
Scared myself into going to the doctor (with no insurance now, might I add).
Saw my therapist.
Spent money I probably shouldn’t have.
Everything was fine.
So now my risky plan is in place.
Challenging, terrifying, but progressive and fruitful.